a rant like none other

maybe if i just start writing, all of these thoughts bouncing around in my head will just organize themselves into a semblance of a blog post and my mind will stop racing at a thousand miles per hour. cause trying to keep up with it is kind of tiring.

so far living on the west side has been great! i love my new room, my new bathroom, having the freedom to do my laundry when i feel like it, the location, and my new roomies. i like exploring the west side and slowly learning where everything is. theres a cute little parky-path thing that is great for longboarding/running and lots of open fields to pass my new rugby ball around :) and maybe practice up my baseball skills so i'll be pro for office baseball.

next on my to do list: make more friends. because right now i'm down to alaya and jon and my mom. and sometimes kelsey. i guess living in this house gives me tons of opportunities to make four new roommate friends (i'm kind of new to the concept of roommate friends..i've only ever had one.) being in a new ward and living on a different side of town will help me out in this department i think. having a boyfriend has kind of isolated me from my friends..unless they're couple friends. not that i regret having a boyfriend at all because jonny is my best friend! sometimes it feels like i am out of practice at the making friends thing..i think i have developed a type of social retardism.

i decided this week that i will never get married. no, it wasnt a was brought to my attention that i will never get married. if i do, it will be at the ripe old age of thirty. there are several key pieces of information that sustain this reasoning:

1. i'm going to texas for two years. who am i going to date in texas? megan and tom already vetoed the texans and the mexicans. i will associate with no members of the opposite sex under the age of forty unless there is a male in my program. unlikely.

2. jon's going on his mission. that is a beautiful and great thing! but what if he comes back changed? change is a good thing..but what if he realizes that i'm a crappy person? what if this change of heart is so dramatic that he'll wonder why he was with me in the first place? my most obvious choice as a spouse may not even remember my name when he returns.

3. after hygiene school, i will, most likely, return to canada as a poor, employment-starved ex-student with too much debt and a texan accent. as desirable as that is..i dont think i'll have boys lining up at my door.

4. when i do get a job, men will only want me for my money. and thats no good.

okay, okay, im kind of grasping at straws..but right now it just seems like i'm the most undesirable person.

things with jon are going a lot better..its hard dating a person and not knowing where you'll end up. i mean, you date someone because you love them and enjoy being with them and hopefully want to be with them for the rest of your life..but when you realize that you arent certain that you two will last and be together forever, its really discouraging. i hate the point in a relationship when you realize that you really dont know if things are going to work out in the long run. :(

as disheartening as this all is, you'd think i'd just avoid things that would remind me of the future single life i have to look forward to. i just cant pull myself away from it all. i get way to excited when i see a new wedding album on facebook and obsessively cruise through the album two to three times. i'm obsessing over different wedding colours and the distribution of my wedding weighing the pros and cons of different photographers. trying to narrow down my picks for bridesmaids..i shamefully admit that i've looked at wedding dresses three times this week.

my heart breaks a little every time.

i feel so discouraged: its feels like i'll never find the person that i'm meant to be with. in my patriarchal blessing it says that i'll find a husband in the own due time of the Lord..i'm not sure how long thats going to be. i think thats His way of telling me that, even though it feels like i need to be married now, He has other things planned for me before then. its just hard for me to understand that right now.

down with love and marriage :(

1 comment:

  1. New friends are overrated. All you need is me. Also, cheer up. The way i figure it, If the Lord has a due time for you, you are going to be doing something in the mean time. And that is going to be awesome.

    PS. Office SOFTBALL is sooo much fun.


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